I had a lovely Thanksgiving; filled with family, friends & conversation- not so much food, but I don't care about that anymore. I am incredibly thankful that there was no mention of what was or was not on my plate- I worried about it needlessly the entire morning. I thoroughly enjoyed the evening and it seems that feeling is mutual by all involved. I am so blessed to have each individual that was around that table- and so thankful.
My best good friend & her family came up to visit for the holiday, and it was so wonderful to see her again, I was looking forward to it for weeks. Having survived similar strange & tumultuous childhoods, we are very much sister-friends/war-buddies, cut from the same idiosyncratically knitted cloth. At the same time though, it was difficult to be with her. She see's through me; straight through everything that I put between myself & the world in order to be strong enough to get through my daily life- the life that I have no choice to be strong & just live despite the effects of EDS. Before even a minute goes by, she's concerned & wants to know how I'm doing and what I'm doing to make myself better. I work very hard to live under my own terms (I'm terrified of taking prescription pain meds and so I don't yet), and in doing that, I work very hard to be strong- stronger than I physically can be, which of course makes me that much weaker when my fortress falls down. She is of the few people who's simple question of "how are you really?" becomes my kyptonite. I bubble over uncontrollably just as slightest tear threatens to warm the back of my eye. My poor friend. Just like everyone else in my life it's impossible for her to understand, yet she looks at me & knows I'm not ok, and she's completely helpless to do a damn thing about it and that pisses her off. She & her family left this morning for their long trek home. She texted me that she felt sick thinking that she had offended me, even angered me during our last conversation. I wasn't offended or mad, just sad at our lack of connection over this THING that has taken over so much of my life since we'd last seen each other. EDS has come between us, and she has not had a chance come to terms that if she understood, she'd have it too, and so she just can't. We will get there, but in the mean time, I'm feeling very alone. I did a lot more than I should have yesterday and so my resulting extra exhaustion & pain is working against me coping with this great big lonely cloud above my head.
So today I will rest & allow myself to feel the way I do & I will pray for a better, stronger tomorrow.
My best good friend & her family came up to visit for the holiday, and it was so wonderful to see her again, I was looking forward to it for weeks. Having survived similar strange & tumultuous childhoods, we are very much sister-friends/war-buddies, cut from the same idiosyncratically knitted cloth. At the same time though, it was difficult to be with her. She see's through me; straight through everything that I put between myself & the world in order to be strong enough to get through my daily life- the life that I have no choice to be strong & just live despite the effects of EDS. Before even a minute goes by, she's concerned & wants to know how I'm doing and what I'm doing to make myself better. I work very hard to live under my own terms (I'm terrified of taking prescription pain meds and so I don't yet), and in doing that, I work very hard to be strong- stronger than I physically can be, which of course makes me that much weaker when my fortress falls down. She is of the few people who's simple question of "how are you really?" becomes my kyptonite. I bubble over uncontrollably just as slightest tear threatens to warm the back of my eye. My poor friend. Just like everyone else in my life it's impossible for her to understand, yet she looks at me & knows I'm not ok, and she's completely helpless to do a damn thing about it and that pisses her off. She & her family left this morning for their long trek home. She texted me that she felt sick thinking that she had offended me, even angered me during our last conversation. I wasn't offended or mad, just sad at our lack of connection over this THING that has taken over so much of my life since we'd last seen each other. EDS has come between us, and she has not had a chance come to terms that if she understood, she'd have it too, and so she just can't. We will get there, but in the mean time, I'm feeling very alone. I did a lot more than I should have yesterday and so my resulting extra exhaustion & pain is working against me coping with this great big lonely cloud above my head.
So today I will rest & allow myself to feel the way I do & I will pray for a better, stronger tomorrow.
No comments:
Post a Comment