Arms wide open

The past 2 years and some months have been full of outward and inward transition; it seems that just as one transition begins to close, another opens right on top of it.  Outwardly, I have gone from a stay at home mother as I had been for 10 1/2 years to a part-time working and then full time+ working Mom.  My elementary school-aged children have grown to the "upper grades" &  Jr. High School.  My full-time Special-Education Teaching husband was confident in all that he was became an unemployed, depressed and angry man who had lost all faith in the career path he had chosen and worked hard to pursue, and again full-time working teacher after 2 years, who still has little faith in this path he is on.  Inwardly, I've gone from physically strong bodied and strong minded, to physically weak; having little control over my day to day abilities.  While still yet very strong minded, I am learning so much about myself, and this life we all share.  At the beginning of this life changing phase of transition, I hated it.  I hated leaving my children to another's care, losing so much control.  I hated having a husband who seemed as though he never truly saw me for who I was, but what I was- never understood that I could do more than raise babies.  I hated how angry he could be and is.  I hated this break down of physical body, and that this is likely what my children will face, and most of all I hated that I couldn't bare this all for them.  After a while, all of that frustration and sadness left me tired, empty, hollow and useless....the opposite of who I want to be.

Today, the transitions continue, but instead of wrapping my arms tightly around my body with my head buried in the center; my arms are wide open, taking each change inward to examine and learn from; to choose to embrace or step away.  Accept and love, or love and let go.  I feel that what I've walked through the last couple of months since I last wrote you, Dear Blog, has helped me to get here- and I am so thankful.

My trip to California, in June was a big deal for 2 reasons;  #1 the point of the trip was to surprise my beloved Grandmother for her 80th birthday.  She had 75 people who love her fly from all over the country to sing Happy Birthday to her:

My Grandma is a wonderful example of love; she has loved me regardless of my choices in life not being what she wanted for me, she has loved me when it seemed like nobody else could or would.  She is full of life and laughter and I would be lucky to be half of what she is ever, let alone at 80 years old. <3

The #2 importance of this trip was that it was sort of a "coming out" opportunity for those who haven't seen me in a few years.  Though I've been diagnosed since 2007, I was not open to discussing my own struggle with EDS until the last year or so largely because it is so physically evident in me now- many of those I love in CA had no idea of what has been happening with my physically and I knew people would probably notice.  I was in a good place and ready for this; it was time.  Telling those that I love, helped me to let go of the burdens that had been leaving me so empty.  Perhaps, without realizing it, the frustrating and anger and fatigue I was carrying around wasn't just a reaction to what was happening under my roof with my job & husband, but perhaps it was carrying this burden of life & pain & death by myself and not trusting those who love me with it.  It was so joyful to see them; my village- I am so blessed!   We hugged & laughed and talked well into the night, and had coffee and shopped thrift stores and visited my beloved Pacific Ocean and we hugged each other good-bye with complete love & peace.