Dragonfly Day

Today is Dragonfly Day; actually the kids call it Joshua day.  Joshua was our second child, our first son. Dragonflies have always reminded me of Joshua because they are big, they are beautiful and they are silent, just like he was the day he was born 11 years ago.  Joshua died just days before he was born due to complications of Ehlers Danlos Syndrome.
I had so many questions after we lost our son. I was an empty-armed mother filled to the brim with grief & heartache.  One day, I was having a rather loud & irreverent internal conversation with God as I looked at the one picture I have of Joshua, when my nephews came tearing into my home. I quickly threw the picture into my Bible for protection from my nephews who have autism. I later hunted through the Bible trying to find where the picture had landed and was completely shocked at where it lay:

"Have I not commanded you?  Be strong and of good courage; do not be afraid, nor be dismayed, for teh LORD your God is with you wherever you go." Joshua 1:9

I am one who has grown to believe that God loves each of us & hates none of us.  I have no proof of God's existence nor can I prove His in-existence.  I my own studies that I will discuss when invited to and my life with the circumstances within that have helped me understand that God loves me through my heart aches, through my body aches & illnesses, and that there is so much more than this painful life.  I believe His Son, Jesus, was the very first Hippie who died & lived again to love everyone & wants everyone to just allow Him to.


I've not posted a lot because I've been traveling back to California.  Below is a video of sometime I spent near Joshua's resting place, it was a sweet & pleasant time to remember that God is with me wherever I go.

Sad Day

  I went to a funeral today.  It was not Melanie's funeral, though her service was today as well (she lived on the West Coast- I'm a transplant now living on the East Coast).  Today's funeral was for 7 month old Graham; the son of a co-worker.  Graham was an incredible baby boy; born at 24 weeks gestation weighing only 580 grams, he fought for months a previously unsurvivable infection and won!  Graham did very well for a while after that, but then his little body got too weak and too tired.  His parents did an amazing job loving & advocating for him and this is all a very very sad thing.  I have been to more children's funerals than I wish to remember, and I will never get used to them.  So today is an understandably sad day.  I am sad for Graham's family and the HUGE loss they are feeling, I am sad for all of the feelings of loss Graham's death brings up in me, and I am sad because Melanie has died and I can't talk to her about it all.  It's a sad day.

So Long, Dear Friend

  This is Melanie, she is my friend.  I've known Melanie since I was a kid, which is rare for me since I moved a lot.  In school, we were more friends than acquaintances, but more acquaintances than friends and it wasn't until we were adults that we truly knew each other. 
  Melanie always stuck out; she was a big ball of positive energy all wrapped up in a teeny tiny body.  If she ever made it to 5ft tall I"ll never know because she never seemed all that small to me- and I've been 5'8" since I was in 7th grade!  I remember one day when we were really young (6th grade- maybe?) hanging out at her house and her telling me in her positively matter-of-fact way, that she had leukemia as a baby and that the medicine that saved her just happened to make her small.  I took the information as she gave it to me, and never thought about the magnitude of what it meant until later; as far as I was concerned she had leukemia as a baby and then she didn't- awesome!  As it turned out, at 25 Melanie was to battle breast cancer and win.  A few years later she had a scare with bone cancer, and then last year they found spots on her liver- I think I still have her text on my phone telling me.  Through her illnesses, she went to school and graduated with her Master's Degree to become a Child Life Therapist (one of my favorite kind of therapists!) so that she could help children who are going through what she had and was going through.  She was involved in patient advocacy & support, she participated and even taught Laughter Yoga.  She inspired everyone she met.  She was strong- so strong that she sometimes allowed herself time to let her fight get her down; lick her wounds, regain her energy and get back up again, even stronger.  These were our conversations that inspired me the most; you're only as strong as you you can be, and sometimes you have to rest and let those you trust carry you while you're weak.  I am so thankful & honored & blessed that she trusted me with that.  Melanie fought hard, and I believe she gave cancer a pretty good ass-kicking before peacefully dying last Saturday, October 15th (I'm told with a slight smile on her face.) 
  I have dealt with death before, the tsunamic waves of grief aren't new to me.  What is new to me is this feeling that the world has truly lost a light, and now there is a void in her place.  I am usually able to be relieved for someone who's fight with disease is over; I can be thankful for knowing them and that they are at peace- and I feel guilty because, while I feel that way for her most of the time, sometimes I'd rather have her here. There is now a Melanie-sized hole in my life; I keep almost texting her, our last Words With Friends game is still up on my phone; I'm craving a chat- some Melanie time :).  She is free though, I truly believe that & and I am so so happy for her.  I am also so so thankful for having known her, so grateful to have experienced her friendship; I hope that I always carry the lessons she taught me and pay them forward.

So long Dear Friend, until we meet again...thank you for being you.